


A Completely True Story That Contains No Fiction Or Lies

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crossover With Fake Real Life, In Fact There Is No Fourth Wall, Multi, Television, The BBC, i'm sorry i'm so sorry, kinkmeme fic, oldfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:10:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: Rly Old Fic From a Kinkmeme Prompt:"The Doctor ends up in the present, and watches one episode of Doctor Who (series 5) and falls in love with the head writer. Is he fictional or not?"





	A Completely True Story That Contains No Fiction Or Lies

The Doctor didn't watch much television. It wasn't bourgeois disdain or intellectual superiority, it was just a lack of time and the fact that he still hadn't worked out how to set his Betamax video recorder to work inside a time-machine. Deprivation makes the hearts grow fonder, of course, which was why he was watching television rather than interacting with the companions he was supposedly visiting. That, in turn, was how the Doctor fell in love. 

"Amy!" he cried, bounding into the kitchen as the closing credits rolled, "I'm in love!"

"What?" asked Amy, who was breast-feeding one of her twins. (Luckily Rory had vetoed naming them "The" and "Doctor.")

"I have just seen the most incredible television programme, about a lonely alien who travels in time and... oh, it's impossible to describe it. You really have to see it!" He grabbed Amy's shoulder and propelled her and baby Andrew into the sitting-room. "Sit on the sofa, though you may want to put the baby _behind_ the sofa, since this is quite scary in places." The Doctor perched on the edge of an armchair and struggled with the remote control. "How do you get the iPlayer on this thing? Oh, never mind," he said, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and using that instead. 

After five minutes of the programme Amy said "Doctor, this is about us."

"What?"

"Didn't you notice? We had that adventure!" 

"No, no, this is fiction," said the Doctor patiently, aware that humans sometimes got confused about these things. "None of this is real."

"Doctor, doesn't this 'Abigail Lake' character seem familiar?"

The Doctor looked at Amy and back at the screen. Then he looked back at Amy, paying more attention this time. "She does look a bit like you, I suppose. It's the hair."

"Does she have a husband, by any chance?"

"A fiance. His name is Ronald Willis, he's a neurosurgeon." The Doctor leaned towards her conspiratorially. "I think she fancies the Professor though."

Amy rolled her eyes heavenwards and sighed. "And what's the Professor like?"

"He's an alien! He travels through time in a -"

"Old red phone box?"

"How did you know?"

"Doctor, someone's made a Saturday night BBC science-fiction drama about us!"

"Ah, no, this was written by the love of my life, entirely from his own mind."

Amy picked Andrew up from behind the sofa. "And who might he be?"

"Steven Moffat," sighed the Doctor dreamily. "He's so clever and handsome, probably."

"I think we need to visit this Steven Moffat," said Amy, always ready for adventure even when lactating.

"Yay!" said the Doctor, with great dignity.

 

 

Getting into the BBC was easy enough, since the Doctor had once saved David Attenborough from Cybermen and the BBC had a long memory for things like that. They were told to try BBC Wales, and since the TARDIS had developed an allergy they had to go by train. The Doctor didn't have his train fare but he did have a letter of recommendation from George Stephenson, which seemed to do the trick. Possibly. Amy wasn't convinced given that they had to hide in the toilet when the ticket-inspector appeared, and then they emerged to knowing looks and saucy winks. 

"Doctor," she whispered, "these people think we had sex in the toilet!"

"I haven't paid a train fare since privatisation," said the Doctor smugly. 

Soon enough they crossed the border into Wales, and from the station they followed the bilingual signs until they reached the BBC. 

"We're here to see Steven Moffat," said Amy, who had no babies with her. (They were with Rory, don't worry.)

"And you are?" 

"The man of his dreams," said the Doctor, adjusting his bow-tie and smiling in what he hoped was a sexy fashion. 

"I'm a kissagram," said Amy, surprised that she had never used this excuse before. "I'm here to kiss him."

"Oh, Amy, don't you dare!" cried the Doctor. "Don't steal him from me! He's all I have in this lonely universe!"

"What about River?"

"Apart from River. All I have is River and Steven Moffat. And the TARDIS. And -"

The man on the desk gave them little passes and Amy dragged the Doctor down seemingly endless identical corridors for what seemed like 25 minutes. Finally they found the "Professor X" office and walked in without knocking. 

"Which of you is Steven Moffat?" asked Amy. 

"Steven," said a nerdy-looking woman, "there's a Scottish person here to see you. I expect she's a relative."

A door opened and dramatic music played until someone switched off the television in the background. A weird-looking man stood there, not as tall as anyone had expected him to be. 

"Steven!" cried the Doctor.

"Doctor?!" cried Steven Moffat. 

They rushed towards each other and kissed passionately in the middle of the office. Several people took photographs of this with their phones, and Facebook status updates were duely posted. 

When the kiss ended, Steven looked up at Amy and the Doctor. "You had better come into my office, we've got a lot to talk about."

"Yes," agreed the Doctor, "we need to get the Civil Partnership sorted out quickly before I change my mind."

 

"And then I decided to turn the dreams into a top-rated television series," Steven finished. 

"Are there any cracks on the walls in your house?" asked Amy. 

"How did you know about that?" asked Steven in surprise. 

"Just a hunch. Well, you can stop making your show now that we've sorted all this out."

"I can't," said Steven, "this is literally a dream come true." Steven was a writer and so he did not use the word literally unless he really meant it. 

"Will you marry me?" asked the Doctor, slightly behind on all this. 

"No," said Steven, "I'm a heterosexual and I'm already married. To a woman. A human woman."

"This is the worst day of my life," sniffed the Doctor, miserably. 

"What about the day you blew up Gallifrey?" asked Steven. 

"Second-worst, then."

"What about when you had to wipe Donna's memories and you could never see her again or she would die?"

"Third-worst."

"What about when -"

"This is one of the worst days of my life," said the Doctor, not shaken by all this silliness. 

"Do we at least get royalities?" asked Amy, who had babies and a mortgage. 

And after many legal battles, the Doctor and Amy did indeed claim licencing fees on their own lives, but that, dear reader, is another story for another day.


End file.
